Pretend



Title: Pretend Author: Malana Lilah lies in bed, staring at the ceiling. She wonders, not for the first time, what in the hell she was doing here. She hates Wesley. She had hated him since the very moment that they had met. And here she was. In his apartment. In his bed. She curses at herself for being so weak. Wesley was the one who should hate himself for the affair. After all, he was the one sleeping with the evil lawyer. She was the bad guy. Hell, seducing the enemy was practically in the job description. But somewhere along the way... she had developed actual feelings for the guy. It was stupid. She was just sleeping with him because it would piss Angel and the other White Hats off. That's all it was about it the beginning. But somehow he had crept into her thoughts. She'd be working at the office, and suddenly she'd find herself just thinking about his eyes, about the feeling of his warm breath on her bare skin. It wasn't supposed to be this way. They were just supposed to be using each other. And she knew that he was still just using her. And... it hurt. Which was what bothered her most. Lilah Morgan was not supposed to get hurt over a man. Especially not one like Wesley. Wesley, some do-gooder who had been hurt by his friends. Some wannabe hero who was angry because his friends didn't trust him anymore. He was weak. He was pathetic, and he didn't deserve a woman like Lilah. No man did. She was smart and powerful. She had pulled herself to her position the hard way. She had fought and killed to get to where she was today. She hadn't climbed the ladder by jumping into beds. She had done good work, great work, and she had been rewarded for it. Lilah was an attractive woman, and she used that to her advantage. She could seduce any man who caught her eye. But she never felt anything for them. But Wesley was different. Perhaps it was that he still, after all he had been through, was trying to hold on to his ideals. He wasn't being particularly successful, Lilah's presence was proof of that. But he was trying. Lilah hasn't had ideals for a long time. She had sacrificed her morals for power. It wasn't that she felt guilty about it. She didn't. She liked her job. She liked the perks, and if she had to do it all over again, she wouldn't hesitate before making the same decisions. She is the golden girl of Wolfram and Hart. She has a job, she has money, she has power. She has everything that she wants. But she has to admit that it wasn't what she had always wanted. She had gone to college with lofty ideas about changing the world, making it a better place. Well, the first part of that might hold true now, but the latter sure the hell didn't. Wesley is a reminder of the part of herself that she hasn't thought about in a long time. She hates him for it. But she also loves him for it. She can lie in this bed and pretend that things are different. It wasn't Wesley she cares about, she realizes. It's the idea of him. She can lie in his bed and pretend that it's theirs. For a few hours, she can sink into another life. A life where she has made different choices. Maybe she is a civil rights lawyer, fighting the good fight. Maybe she has a few kids, and a house in the mountains. Most of the time that wasn't the life that she wanted. Most of the time, she'd laugh at people with those kinds of ambitions and dreams. But when she's with Wesley, she can see the appeal. She can fall into dreams that she hasn't had in years. Lilah hears a noise from the other side of the bedroom door. Wesley. She glances at the window and sees the first light of dawn beginning to pour in. As he opens the door, she rolls over. Pretends to sleep, as he looks her over. She doesn't want to trade barbs with him, not right now. She just wants to stay here, just for a little while longer. She wants to pretend that she wants to be a better person. She just wants to pretend. Better Man - Pearl Jam Waitin', watchin' the clock, it's four o'clock, it's got to stop Tell him, take no more, she practices her speech As he opens the door, she rolls over... Pretends to sleep as he looks her over She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man... She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man... Can't find a better man Ohh... Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know... She tells herself, oh... Memories back when she was bold and strong And waiting for the world to come along... Swears she knew it, now she swears he's gone She lies and says she's in love with him, can't find a better man... She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man... She lies and says she still loves him, can't find a better man... She dreams in color, she dreams in red, can't find a better man... Can't find a better man Yeah... She loved him, yeah...she don't want to leave this way She feeds him, yeah...that's why she'll be back again Can't find a better man Can't find a better...man... Ohh...ohh... Uh huh... Ohh...