Title: A Winter's Night
Author: Katie CI lie on my bed in the dorm room that I share with Buffy, and begin to cry. I could understand Oz just wanting to be 'friends' with his fellow musician, but for her to have wormed her way into his affections – to replace me, even – well, that is just plain wrong!
Heavily perfumed smoke rises up from the oil burner that lies on my bedside table, which I do manage to check periodically, to ensure that it was not burning too low, in spite of myself. I suppose there were some things about my personality that I will never be in total control of – they are just that. Me. They made me who I am – the person that Oz loves... had loved.
But I know that facts will have to be faced. Whatever power it was that she has over him, it is obviously one powerful attraction – spell or not. I can't help but think of him sometimes, although I try not to think of her, because it hurts too much. To have seen him, entranced by her – and to not have known what was probably already going on between them.
Yeah, I'm one bitter Wicca. I can't see one thing about her that's better than what I could give him – could have given him. I loved him with all that I was – heart, soul, body, mind... everything. Can she say that? 'Cos you know what? I don't think she can. I don't think she knows what it means to be human, not like Oz did. Want, Take, Have – that's her philosophy. She'd have got on well with Faith, I'd bet.
The deafening silence of the room holds the air still. No thud, thud of music, no tap, tap of a keyboard, not even the low chant of a spell was to be heard. Just nothing. Nothing to distract me from my feelings of bereavement.
We had fun together last summer – Oz and I, Buffy – despite her own torment, Xander; even Cordelia joined in our merriment at having averted yet another apocalypse. I'm looking at the photographs we took, and wondering where it all went wrong. If I could have seen her coming, maybe I could have stopped it. Or at least I'd have had the chance to try.
I'm crying now, out of sheer bewilderment and desperation. Oh Oz, I wish I could know how you were feeling. I wish I had known – I wish that you could have talked to me, let me in. How far apart had we drifted that you felt you couldn't? That she was more of a comfort to you?
Okay, I'm no werewolf – but I did the best I could in the circumstances that fate dealt me. I read, and I watched videos – I even sat up with you in the school library, watching you change. I wanted to understand, as well as a human could, what your lycanthropy meant in terms of how it changed your life. If I could only have you near, to breathe a sigh onto, I would be happy just to hold the hands I love, on this winter's night with you. I love you. You don't love her. You love me.
Ugh, I've really had too much of this wine to drink. I should go for a walk or something, to clear my head. Yeah, that's what I'll do – I'll go out and find Buffy, 'cos she's patrolling. She can help me take my mind off of... things.*
Oh... my... Goddess! That's them! How dare they?! Yeah. My former lover and his fellow werewolf. They didn't know I saw them – but I did. As I walked down the street, I heard a rustling noise in the bushes.
Grasping my stake firmly in my jacket pocket, I investigated further. That's when I saw them. Curled up together, sleeping – naked - in human form. I barely had enough time to set my satchel down before I was overtaken by anger and grief.
"You BITCH!" I screamed, hurling myself at the pair of them. "How dare you wreck what was a happy relationship until you came along?!"
"Whoa!" Oz awoke with a start, disentangling himself from her embrace. "Willow, I'm sorry, but you have to accept that it's over. I still care for you, but now that I'm starting to go through the change more regularly, I need to have other people around me that understand what it's like."
"Oz... my Oz... I love you!" I choked out between sobs, knelt at their feet.
"Well, he doesn't love you!" Veruca sneered, looking down her nose at me.
"Um, Veruca, would you please be quiet, so Willow and I can talk?"
"Fine," she scowled, turning her nose up at me, and scoffing slightly.
"Where did it go wrong?" I asked.
"I can honestly say that it was not your fault, Will." He looked so sad as he said this. "However much you might feel that it is. I know I'll probably never be able to convince you of that."
I sniffed then, and stared at him. Was he really saying that we were over?
"You... you can't leave me, Oz... I love you!"
"And I will always love you, Willow. But I don't know if I'm in love with you any more."
I started to cry again. Tears ran down my cheeks as I sobbed quietly, trying not to let her hear me. I stared at the floor, just in front of his feet as he crouched opposite me. He smiled, trying to comfort me, but I couldn't bear to look at him. I got up silently, and turned away from him.
"Goodbye, Oz. I will always love you, until the end of all of our lives." I whispered, as I bent to my bag, taking out the remains of the bottle of wine and a revolver that I'd... obtained... from Willy.
I then pointed the revolver at the pair of them, and smirked slightly as I saw her flinch. "Who wants it first, then?" I stated shakily. "You, Daniel?" – I had never called him by his Christian name before. Then I swung round to face my nemesis. "Or you?"*
I stared at them, unsure of whether I could actually pull the trigger if I was called upon to do so, let alone making a decision about whom I'd do away with first. The revolver felt cold in my hand. Cold, like death. I started to laugh maniacally – whether I was really going crazy or not, I couldn't tell, but I strengthened my hold on the gun, keeping my eyes on the pair of them.
"Willow... please don't do this." I heard Oz say as he pulled on his jeans. "We can work this out. I know you're hurting, but I will do all I can to make it right."
"There is nothing that you can do." I replied. "Who's it to be? You – or her?"
"Take me." He replied. "Let Veruca go, but you can take me."
That's – was – my Oz. Caring to the last. That was why I loved him. Truth be told, that un-nerved me. I knew he still cared – you don't lose your feelings for someone overnight, unless they've done something totally unforgivable... but I hadn't realised how much he still cared until then. I moved the gun so it no longer pointed at her, to show her that I was willing to let her escape with her life.
He looked over at Veruca and sighed. "I'm sorry. Can... can you leave us alone? I think Willow and I need to talk things through – I did kind of leave her really suddenly, and she needs to know exactly why."
If looks could kill, I'd have been dead right then and there. Veruca looked at me like I was an amoeba on a flea on her mangy fur, grabbed her clothes, and scuttled off into the trees.
I looked at Oz then, stared at him, even – trying to work out what was going on in that pretty little head of his. I had the barrel of the gun pointed somewhere off to his right – the left of him from my viewpoint – and I peered through the gloom at him.
Before I knew what he was doing, he was at my side, his arms around me. Tears rolled down our cheeks, and we sobbed together. I hardly noticed as he eased the gun out of my grip, slipping the safety catch back on and laying the gun on the grass.
"I am so sorry, my Willow. I didn't trust that you would try to help me understand what goes on in the body and mind of an adolescent semi-werewolf."
I had to smile at that. He had such a funny way of putting things – like going around all the suburbs before you went into the town centre instead of going straight there.
"So, am I still your Willow, then?"
"You always will be. Do you think there could ever be another you? Wherever we are, together or apart, you will always be in my heart. The only reason I left was because I stupidly thought I could have a better life with another werewolf – because she would understand more easily. Sure, she understood Oz-wolf, but she didn't know me. Not like you do."
I laughed, then – for the first time since the split. "Was that one of your lyrics?"
"Mm." He nodded. "I've never played or sung it in public before though."
"Why not do it now?"
"Good idea!" As he said this, he laid back down on the damp grass, motioning that I should join him. I rested my head on his chest, putting my arm around his belly, and fell asleep listening to the sound of his voice. Boy was I going to have a hangover in the morning, but I didn't care – I had my Oz back.*
Sarah McLachlan – Song for a Winter's Night
The lamp is burning low upon my tabletop.
Snow is softly falling.
The air is still in the silence of my room.
I hear your voice softly calling.
If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh onto,
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter's night with you.
Smoke is rising in the shadows overhead.
My glass is almost empty.
I read again between the lines upon each page
The words of love you send me.
If I could know within my heart
That you were lonely too,
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter's night with you.
The fire is dying; my lamp is growing dim.
Shades of night are lifting.
The morning light steals across my windowpane
Where winds of snow are drifting.
If I could only have you near
To breathe a sight onto,
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter's night with you--
And to be once again with you.